Life IS hard

It's hard to think, that when you really get down to it, not many people can really know who you are. So you might think I'm on some kind of identity crisis, but thta's not what this is. The fact is that I know very well who I am, but I worry sometimes that the people who are my friends, dont know the first thing about me. Should I be worried that nobody could really describe my personality accurately, because I don't let enough of it show?
Realistically, my problems lie deeper, of course. I really need to find a female companion who I can share things with and who knows and accepts me for the person that I am, and who I can laugh about myself with. It's disheartening to see some of my female friends who are fairly attractive, waste their time with ex-boyfriends and people they've randomly met. Why doesn't this happen to me, I wonder? I sometimes wish I was a different person with the same personality, and wonder what it would be like and how different their reactions would be to me.
I guess I have to put up with a bit of shitness to compensate the world for the excellent life I'm about to begin, yeah? Hmmm... well that remains to be seen!

Death ...again

Once again I come to blog about death, and this time it's more personal. This time I am not blogging about thoughts on death, but blogging because of death, a death in my family.
Losing family is possibly the hardest thing to come to terms with in life, but I think I am doing fine myself. I can't begin to describe thoughts that crossed my mind when I found that my father had died. I won't go in to the morbid details of where and when my mother and I found out, but emotion would burst in to my mind, crash through my eyes and leave my body in the form of tears. You simply cannot hold that back, and really, you shouldn't either. As I've mentioned in my earlier blogs, I often wonder how people will think of me when I die, but I don't think my father ever ad the same insecurities, but how would I know?
The story of my father is troubled, and most recently, he has had a stroke and been stuck in the confines of a bed and chair at our local nursing home, where care is just a word. I think despite his lowered cerebral competence, I truly believe that the stroke allowed him to re-evaluate what were (in his heart) the most important things to him - his family.
I will be taking these thoughts with me throughout his funeral and the coming week so that I can have comfort in the fact that death brings people together and that his family will be travelling from mainland Europe to be here in England for him, and for us.

Pay me attention...says the woman..

I'm writing this blog to put my mind at rest. It's pretty simple, i'm sick of being single. Or, at the very least i'm craving some female attention. I would call myself a complicated being but like everyone else, i have simple needs! Every waking minute i have free (i don't have many of those at the moment!) is spent thinking about one of several girls. Here's where it gets messy, or i guess, complicated. One, is some years younger than i am, but has really been a good friend through a hard time. I don't think i want anything real from this girl but she is very attractive and i sometimes think about her in ways i shouldn't! Another direction i'm being pulled from, away mostly, is the girl i used to call my best friend. I guess its partly my fault but we have drifted apart very suddenly from each other and i was very hurt by how i was treated by her over christmas. It was the first christmas i really needed all my friends, as my dad couldn't be at home with us. She had being seeing someone and decided to keep it from me and say that we needed some time apart. Great timing. Girl one thinks i still love girl two but, and i mean this in the relationship sense, i don't love her any more and the only love for her i have is as a friend. But she is slowly withering that away, which i feel is a real shame. Outside of all of this i've been searching for someone compatible on the net, on sites like tagged and facebook, and more recently, fhm dates. What i don't know is whether to believe some girl's sincerity. Sometimes- maybe a self-esteem issue- i feel as though the people i have received messages from, are like moderators who make sure everyone gets a message off someone to feel like the site is working. Can companies really exploit our weaknesses so easily? I just wish that it was more simple. You tell a girl you like her, there's no beating around the bush. Then the girl says she likes you back and you agree to see each other. Oh to be back in the sixties!