Death ...again

Once again I come to blog about death, and this time it's more personal. This time I am not blogging about thoughts on death, but blogging because of death, a death in my family.
Losing family is possibly the hardest thing to come to terms with in life, but I think I am doing fine myself. I can't begin to describe thoughts that crossed my mind when I found that my father had died. I won't go in to the morbid details of where and when my mother and I found out, but emotion would burst in to my mind, crash through my eyes and leave my body in the form of tears. You simply cannot hold that back, and really, you shouldn't either. As I've mentioned in my earlier blogs, I often wonder how people will think of me when I die, but I don't think my father ever ad the same insecurities, but how would I know?
The story of my father is troubled, and most recently, he has had a stroke and been stuck in the confines of a bed and chair at our local nursing home, where care is just a word. I think despite his lowered cerebral competence, I truly believe that the stroke allowed him to re-evaluate what were (in his heart) the most important things to him - his family.
I will be taking these thoughts with me throughout his funeral and the coming week so that I can have comfort in the fact that death brings people together and that his family will be travelling from mainland Europe to be here in England for him, and for us.

Death becomes....

Hello.

During some of my usual thoughts when I get in to bed, I thought back on some of the funerals I have had to attend, and the glowing references which were bestowed upon them. What, I thought, would people say about me, if for some reason, my life was to end?

The thoughts were blurry, to say the least, but I'd hope that people would hold me in high regard - I've worked hard throughout my life in school and in employment, I've never been in trouble with the police, I've not got a parking ticket (yet) and I haven't barely had enough of a girlfriend to cheat on one, so I'm more or less going to heaven, right?

The thing which gets me, is that unless you are out there socialising, you don't really know your own strengths and weaknesses, and you have no-one to tell you whether you're being noble or selfish, clever or condescending. I give to two different world charities who give aid to suffering children and people who really need urgent aid, but who, out of all my friends would possibly know the reason why, if I didn't tell them? I could give the money out of a socially nourishing piece of guilt, or I could genuinely give a damn about these people and invest in the hope that I'm channelling my money somewhere that can actually help these people.

I also work hard, to the point where sometimes, I could be seen to be "sucking up", but who out of the people I work with can I consider friends, and therefore, people who know me? They would know that I have pride in my work, a strong work ethic and I don't like leaving things unfinished - in other words I do a good old fashioned job on everything I'm asked to do - no uncleaned surfaces in the kitchen, no unmopped floors, no appliance left on at night and nothing unordered that we need. These are all obviously important things which contribute to the running of a successful kitchen, but to some part-timers, and those who are lazy, they are things which can be glossed over. "I'll just wipe this with a cloth" or "I'll just wet this to make it look like it's been done" are some of the remarks I can't stand to hear.

These are things you'd like people to recognise in your character but you wouldn't call them defining traits that say, your mother would know. But would your son know them if you had one, and would he develop the same ones? I couldn't possibly say, being single and having no children. But I would hope so.

What I'm really getting at, is that to have people remember you for who you are and have everybody in the "crowd" recognise the things you want said in your eulogy, you have to make friends, and try to influence people, putting yourself out there and hope that what you do has an effect on people. Obviously, those who want to have an effect on people, generally do. I just hope that people see the side of me I want them to see and don't see the negatives that sometimes cloud our judgment, don't you? I guess this is part of growing up, making sure that if you want people to see you a certain way, you must portray yourself in that way, and there is no way around that.